Boundaries - Again!

Boundaries again. I know I've written about them before, but I've been struggling to maintain personal boundaries I've set. I've allowed others to bully me into doing things I didn't want to do - things I knew were too much for me.

I wanted to know why I couldn't seem to maintain my boundaries, so I took a look back through my early life. I discovered that my fear of setting and keeping boundaries all stemmed from long ago when I first overstepped a friend's boundaries and was rejected on those grounds.

My feelings of hurt, fear, humiliation, rejection, devastation, shame, were all felt so keenly way back then, that I have allowed that to undermine what I've been working so hard to do right now in the present time.

I have been so conscious of not inflicting those emotions on other people, that I've allowed them to walk all over me rather than set respectful, realistic personal boundaries.

Now that I know the source of my "weakness" for want of a better term, I can now face it and deal with it.

To deal with this problem, I've used the Love Letter, which has become a favorite tool of mine. Below is the letter I wrote to myself:

Boundaries Love Letter To Me

Dear Self;

I'm angry with you because I discovered that you were holding on to old beliefs that were sabotaging your ability to set realistic boundaries for yourself and keep those boundaries.

You were allowing old hurts and wounds to make you feel bad about setting boundaries.

This makes me sad. It is great that you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but you are also worthy of not being hurt.

I am afraid that you are going to allow people to bully you into letting them break down your barriers and step over your personal boundaries.

I am afraid that you will allow your own fear of hurting others to enable them to hurt you.

I am sorry that, in the past, you felt so bad about stepping over someone else's boundaries that you have been afraid to set your own and keep them up right now in the present time.

I want you to know that you are worthy of setting boundaries of your own. I want you to set those boundaries and not feel guilty if you have to enforce them.

I understand your great love and compassion for others, but you must also have great, if not greater, compassion for yourself. You need these boundaries and you need to show others that you will not be forced into letting them walk all over you.

Thank you for listening to me. You are learning to listen to me, your inner self, so much more these days. Thank you for trusting in me to guide you.

I understand how hard it is for you to enforce your own personal boundaries. I see you struggle every day with your conscience about this.

I am sorry that your experiences in your childhood have left you feeling as though you are not strong enough and confident enough to keep enforcing your boundaries, but I know that you are strong enough to do this.

You deserve respect from other people, and you deserve respect from yourself. You are worthy of setting boundaries and you should set them and keep them.

I want you to know that you can trust yourself with the setting of these personal boundaries. I know that you are always considerate of others' needs as well as your own. You need not fear that in the setting of your own boundaries that you are stepping upon anyone else's. You know that you will never do this. I will not allow it.

I love your compassionate nature, and I love how you always consider others in everything you do. Most of all, I love your new love of me. I will always be with you to help and guide you. And I will always love you.

Love Self.

Now that I've written that letter to myself and I've read it over a few times to reinforce it in my mind, I feel much more confident and able to deal with people who want to push me around.

It Takes One to Know One

I can spot a victim a mile away.

I see them everywhere and meet them almost every day. To the untrained eye, a victim looks just like everybody else. So what is it that gives them away? The expression on their faces? Their downcast visage? Yes, those things do count, but to really tell a victim from a non-victim, you only have to talk to them. They'll give themselves away in the first five minutes.

How did I become so good at spotting these people?

I used to be one of them. Not just one of them - the Queen of all Victims. Damn I was good! Even when nobody else was around to victimize me, I could do a great number on myself. I'd put my 'poor little me' mask on as I got out of bed in the morning and leave it on until I went to bed at night. And I never could see why people were always mean to me, why they used and abused me, set me up mercilessly, etc. I just couldn't see it.

I was a nice, gentle, well-meaning and kind person. But I was a victim. It was in my demeanor. It was in my conversations. I might as well have had it tattooed across my forehead.

I felt like my life was never my own. Nothing I did ever worked out. Other people always got the jobs I went for. I was never chosen to do anything, be anything, or go anywhere. People were always pushing me around and telling me what to do. I felt powerless and ineffectual.

So what changed?

I did.

I changed. I discovered a new way of looking at the world. I opened my eyes to what my life was really like and I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like the person I had become. I wanted to be me. I wanted to take charge of my life and live it the way I desired.

No longer was I content to live in the shadows. I wanted to step right out into the sunlight, to spread my wings and fly. And that's exactly what I did!

How did I do this?

Well, it wasn't easy. I had to get real. By that I mean really real. I had to face myself and be honest about who and what I was. I had to be totally honest about all the things in my past and learn to look at them openly and with a different point of view.

Help wasn't something I'd ever reached out for, but in this case, I did reach out. And my hand was grasped firmly by Maia Berens, my mentor and coach. I'd never had anyone come to my rescue before, and suddenly I had a fairy godmother who was willing to stand beside me and show me how to find myself and get my life back in order.

All those years, I thought I knew myself fairly well, but Maia started to ask me questions I couldn't answer unless I took a fresh look. I had to learn to look back at my life with a spirit of forgiveness, love and willingness to see things as they really were. No excuses.

Do you think that's easy? Try it. Go on, I dare you.

It wasn't easy at all. There were many tears along the way, many stumbles and falls, many times I wanted to hide from myself. Maia encouraged me to stick with it, and I did.

I learned to view life with a Life is a School attitude and a renewed love for myself and strong respect for my life. I started to take charge of my life and make choices. Not only that, but I started to direct my life, change directions, and even begin a new career as a Spiritual Life Coach.

The self-confident person you meet today is far from the downcast victim of yesterday. I learned how to turn my whole life around and really live.

I love my life now. I love making choices and exploring my limitless options. It's a wonderful way to be.

You know something... You can do the same thing I did. You can learn to stop seeing everything that happens in your life as a disaster and start learning from your mistakes. You can start finding the blessings in everything that happens in your daily life. You can take charge of your life and become who you were always meant to be.

If you're interested, and you want to follow my story, I journal at: All About Life Coaching. You can begin a journal there too if you like. It's a great first step towards the new you. Our journal community is an honest, caring place where many of us share our darkest fears and ask for advice from others who have been through similar circumstances. And, guess what? It's completely free.

It's a great place to take that first all-important step on the road to becoming who you really are.

See you there!

Last Morning

6am & I'm awake. This is my last morning here. I'm looking forward to being back home. It has been interesting, as always, but I'm done with it. No more cancer, no more operations. Of course, I still have the radiation to get through. Another interesting experience. Once only will do. Roll on morning. I want to get out of here.

Re: Little Luxuries

Can't get the cappuccino but I can say hi and thanks so much for keeping us posted. We're keeping your (virtual) chair warm.
Love,
Maia

On Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 5:30 PM, <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to stand up straight, to have a real shower, to wash my hair, to put real clothes on. I feel so good sitting here all dressed. I feel like I have regained some of my humanity. All I need now is a visitor I can con into going down to get a cappuccino for me...

Little Luxuries

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to stand up straight, to have a real shower, to wash my hair, to put real clothes on. I feel so good sitting here all dressed. I feel like I have regained some of my humanity. All I need now is a visitor I can con into going down to get a cappuccino for me...

Waiting

Most of what I've been doing in hospital has been waiting. Waiting for appointments, for tests, results, doctors, to be fed, for a turn in the bathroom, to go home. Waiting. I'm not sure if I've become more used to waiting around or less tolerant of the whole system. Probably both. We have ten of us all using the one toilet & shower. Says a lot about our hospital system.

Saturday

Long day without visitors. I managed to keep amused & did some nice drawings for the exhibition. Getting the drainage tube pulled out of my leg was... Ick! I can't even describe how it felt. Thanks for the experience, but let's not have a repeat performance. Everyone I know who has gone through it laughed when I told them my tube was coming out today. Yeah. Thanks guys. Real hilarious. Now I'm watching cartoons on tv & chuckling away to myself. The hospital is winding down & slipping into evening mode.