On the way home from the Bon Jovi concert. Bus seats uncomfortable.

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Yesterday's Friends

Yesterday’s Friend

Yesterday I met a friend up the street. I hadn’t seen her nor heard a word from her since October last year when I was in hospital in Melbourne having the first secondary melanoma removed from my leg.

D was as friendly as ever and as enthusiastic as ever about the venture we had started way back the year before last.

D had hired a nice sized building up the street where we were going to set up our co-operative healing and life coaching centre. We invited four others with similar businesses to go in with us to share the rent.

I did all the advertising, publishing, graphic designing of stationery, etc. We all put a lot of time and effort into our space and things were going along really well. The building was a bit run down so we all put in heaps of effort making it look the way we wanted. We painted, decorated, scrounged office equipment and whatever else we needed, all at our own expense.

Then I ended up in hospital for ten days. When I got home there was an email from D. I opened it, happy to be hearing from her at last. It read along the lines of: “...the other girls and I don’t think you’re putting enough effort into your part of the business so we’ve asked someone else to take your place...”

That was it. I was out. I tried to call her on the phone, but she never returned my calls, and didn’t answer my emails.

I felt betrayed. Sad. Alone. I was angry that I’d put so much effort, time and money into something I’d never be able to be a part of. I was angry at D and wondered if she’d had this in mind all along and had only used me to get certain things done. I was devastated that she’d used my misfortune as an opportunity to get rid of me. I thought that was really low. She could have at least waited until I had recovered, or ousted me before it happened. It seemed to me that she’d waited until I was out of town – it didn’t matter what the reason was – to kick me out.

However, I didn’t allow myself to dwell on this for too long. I was getting more involved in YOU University at the time and enjoying my lessons and the work I was doing through that, so I let the incident go. I put it down to D’s fickleness and forgave myself for being such a fool and not seeing that coming. D had a history of doing this to me, and I had a history of allowing it to happen. An old pattern of behavior I’d been trying to stamp out.

Then I ran into her yesterday. And guess what? She asked how I was going with my life coaching course and asked if I’d be interested in renting a space in their building!

I think I was speechless for a full minute or two. I told her that for the moment I was too busy. I told her that I was almost through YOU Uni and was still studying, I had just started my five weeks of radiation, and I was involved in a play for the next month in Beechworth, so I would be far too busy to think about her offer. I thanked her for thinking of me and hurried on my way.

When I thought about it later on, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry. Had she forgotten how she treated me? Obviously what she did had not bothered her one bit. It bothered me. It bothered me for the rest of the day. Why? After analysing the situation, I decided it was the trust issue that rankled the most. I had trusted her and she betrayed me - again.

These feelings took me back to my childhood. That feeling of building up to something I was promised, only to have my hopes dashed cruelly. It happened over and over, and built within me an inherent mistrust of all people.

It has taken me a long time to get over this instant mistrust. I thought I was over it a couple of years ago. When D came to me and outlined what she intended to do with her business, and asked me to be a part of it, I squashed my feelings of mistrust and became involved. I was really enjoying being involved. Then I had my hopes dashed by her again.

Only, something had changed within me by that time. Although I was devastated and felt sick at the way she’d dumped me, I didn’t take it all deep within myself and let it fester there as I once would have.

I grieved for the loss of my friend and for the loss of the opportunity of the building from which to start my life coaching business. I treated what I’d already given as a donation that I gave freely from my heart. I let go of the material things.

I’d just learned about Love Letters at that stage. I wrote some to D and to myself over it, and I eventually came out the other side of my sadness with a spirit of gratitude for what I’d learned from this incident.

D has always been the same. I knew that. She was like this right back in school. She is not likely to change now. I had hoped that she’d learned as much from life as I had, but clearly she either hasn’t learned her lessons deeply, or she just doesn’t care about how she treats people. Either way, that is her path. This is mine.

I continued with YOU University, and now, I’m enjoying being very close to the end of the formal part of the learning. Not that you ever stop learning from life – but I’m looking forward to new beginnings. D closed a door on me last year, but I opened another one. I walked through that door, and now I’m going in a new direction.

I was determined not to allow that experience to taint my trust of everybody else. I did not internalize those feelings or use them as a means of self-torture. Once, I would have mentally flailed myself for months over something like that.

The big lesson I learned from all that, was that I needed to be more careful of whom I trusted. I needed, and still need, to listen carefully to my inner voice about people and not blindly trust them because I’ve known them all my life. The opposite is also true. I should not blindly mistrust people just because I’ve known them for years either. Sometimes people change. Sometimes they don’t.

It’s a big effort for me, but I have to allow people to earn my trust. I have to take that leap of faith and extend the offer of trust. If it is not taken with the spirit with which it is given, then it will not be through my own past conditioning that things fall apart. But I have to be wise about where I offer that trust. D showed me that.

There is no use in kicking myself up the bum about it now. It all happened a year ago. I will not allow all the hard work I’ve done through YOU Uni to be undone because seeing D brought back all those memories. Like I said, I knew what D was like. We grew up together. I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I wanted to believe she had grown up and was a different person. I wanted to move beyond our childhood relationship and have an adult relationship.

That is the key to the whole situation: I WANTED to believe in my friend, so I closed my eyes to the truth.

Whatever her real reasons for kicking me out of her building were, they matter not. She did me a favor. She freed me so I could go on doing what I truly loved, in the way I enjoyed it, in the time frame that suited me.

Seeing D again also reminded me that Yesterday’s Friends are not Today’s Friends for a reason.

From now on, I will trust in myself first and listen to my inner wisdom.

My Radiation Treatment Begins

Yesterday was my fourth visit to the radiation clinic and my first real treatment. The first three visits were for measuring. The main difficulty in treating my leg is that they have to radiate right down to the bone, but somehow not shoot right through my knee. Apparently knees are sensitive and the radiation would destroy all the fine ligaments and cartilage. Hence all the careful measuring.

I laid myself down onto the slab yesterday and envisioned myself inside my crystal pyramid of power on the fifth plane of existence. I visualized that the machine hovering above me was a giant healing crystal of power. During the treatment, which is only about 6 minutes for one zap and 4 for another, I meditated. I invoked the violet light of the Masters and asked for a whole body healing.

I immediately felt sharp, almost unbearable, pain in my right kidney. I had to remain still, so I didn't move. The pain quickly went away and was replaced by a gentle tingling which faded to nothing. I knew something within me had been healed. I have IgAN which is a kidney disease that destroys the nephrons (filters) in the kidneys. I also know that my kidneys haven't been enjoying all my cancer treatments over the past year and have been suffering. (I have 40% function left in both kidneys.)

Anyway, something has been put right, or balanced within. I felt nothing around my knee area that was being treated by radiation. Later, I could feel that the inner temperature of that leg is hotter than the other one, but apart from that, no side affects so far. It's early days yet.

When the radiation was finished, I floated off that hard slab feeling refreshed, calm, totally recharged and at peace with the universe.

I'm going to use my pyramid of power and meditation each time I'm on that slab. It was such a wonderful experience, I'm actually looking forward to today's visit.

By the time the technicians finish positioning my leg and then do the radiation, I'm on that slab for about 15 minutes all up. The thought of spending 15 minutes every day meditating and connecting with the higher realms is actually quite an uplifting thought.

It sounds rather insane, I know, but I'm looking forward to five weeks of that.

Update:

Today was the same. I meditated in my pyramid during the treatment.This time the pain in my right kidney was only short and sharp before disappearing. There is obviously something there to be healed and it is being "zapped" by the violet healing of the ascended Masters while I meditate.

At the end of my treatment, I was calm, relaxed and happy.

Boundaries - Again!

Boundaries again. I know I've written about them before, but I've been struggling to maintain personal boundaries I've set. I've allowed others to bully me into doing things I didn't want to do - things I knew were too much for me.

I wanted to know why I couldn't seem to maintain my boundaries, so I took a look back through my early life. I discovered that my fear of setting and keeping boundaries all stemmed from long ago when I first overstepped a friend's boundaries and was rejected on those grounds.

My feelings of hurt, fear, humiliation, rejection, devastation, shame, were all felt so keenly way back then, that I have allowed that to undermine what I've been working so hard to do right now in the present time.

I have been so conscious of not inflicting those emotions on other people, that I've allowed them to walk all over me rather than set respectful, realistic personal boundaries.

Now that I know the source of my "weakness" for want of a better term, I can now face it and deal with it.

To deal with this problem, I've used the Love Letter, which has become a favorite tool of mine. Below is the letter I wrote to myself:

Boundaries Love Letter To Me

Dear Self;

I'm angry with you because I discovered that you were holding on to old beliefs that were sabotaging your ability to set realistic boundaries for yourself and keep those boundaries.

You were allowing old hurts and wounds to make you feel bad about setting boundaries.

This makes me sad. It is great that you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but you are also worthy of not being hurt.

I am afraid that you are going to allow people to bully you into letting them break down your barriers and step over your personal boundaries.

I am afraid that you will allow your own fear of hurting others to enable them to hurt you.

I am sorry that, in the past, you felt so bad about stepping over someone else's boundaries that you have been afraid to set your own and keep them up right now in the present time.

I want you to know that you are worthy of setting boundaries of your own. I want you to set those boundaries and not feel guilty if you have to enforce them.

I understand your great love and compassion for others, but you must also have great, if not greater, compassion for yourself. You need these boundaries and you need to show others that you will not be forced into letting them walk all over you.

Thank you for listening to me. You are learning to listen to me, your inner self, so much more these days. Thank you for trusting in me to guide you.

I understand how hard it is for you to enforce your own personal boundaries. I see you struggle every day with your conscience about this.

I am sorry that your experiences in your childhood have left you feeling as though you are not strong enough and confident enough to keep enforcing your boundaries, but I know that you are strong enough to do this.

You deserve respect from other people, and you deserve respect from yourself. You are worthy of setting boundaries and you should set them and keep them.

I want you to know that you can trust yourself with the setting of these personal boundaries. I know that you are always considerate of others' needs as well as your own. You need not fear that in the setting of your own boundaries that you are stepping upon anyone else's. You know that you will never do this. I will not allow it.

I love your compassionate nature, and I love how you always consider others in everything you do. Most of all, I love your new love of me. I will always be with you to help and guide you. And I will always love you.

Love Self.

Now that I've written that letter to myself and I've read it over a few times to reinforce it in my mind, I feel much more confident and able to deal with people who want to push me around.

It Takes One to Know One

I can spot a victim a mile away.

I see them everywhere and meet them almost every day. To the untrained eye, a victim looks just like everybody else. So what is it that gives them away? The expression on their faces? Their downcast visage? Yes, those things do count, but to really tell a victim from a non-victim, you only have to talk to them. They'll give themselves away in the first five minutes.

How did I become so good at spotting these people?

I used to be one of them. Not just one of them - the Queen of all Victims. Damn I was good! Even when nobody else was around to victimize me, I could do a great number on myself. I'd put my 'poor little me' mask on as I got out of bed in the morning and leave it on until I went to bed at night. And I never could see why people were always mean to me, why they used and abused me, set me up mercilessly, etc. I just couldn't see it.

I was a nice, gentle, well-meaning and kind person. But I was a victim. It was in my demeanor. It was in my conversations. I might as well have had it tattooed across my forehead.

I felt like my life was never my own. Nothing I did ever worked out. Other people always got the jobs I went for. I was never chosen to do anything, be anything, or go anywhere. People were always pushing me around and telling me what to do. I felt powerless and ineffectual.

So what changed?

I did.

I changed. I discovered a new way of looking at the world. I opened my eyes to what my life was really like and I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like the person I had become. I wanted to be me. I wanted to take charge of my life and live it the way I desired.

No longer was I content to live in the shadows. I wanted to step right out into the sunlight, to spread my wings and fly. And that's exactly what I did!

How did I do this?

Well, it wasn't easy. I had to get real. By that I mean really real. I had to face myself and be honest about who and what I was. I had to be totally honest about all the things in my past and learn to look at them openly and with a different point of view.

Help wasn't something I'd ever reached out for, but in this case, I did reach out. And my hand was grasped firmly by Maia Berens, my mentor and coach. I'd never had anyone come to my rescue before, and suddenly I had a fairy godmother who was willing to stand beside me and show me how to find myself and get my life back in order.

All those years, I thought I knew myself fairly well, but Maia started to ask me questions I couldn't answer unless I took a fresh look. I had to learn to look back at my life with a spirit of forgiveness, love and willingness to see things as they really were. No excuses.

Do you think that's easy? Try it. Go on, I dare you.

It wasn't easy at all. There were many tears along the way, many stumbles and falls, many times I wanted to hide from myself. Maia encouraged me to stick with it, and I did.

I learned to view life with a Life is a School attitude and a renewed love for myself and strong respect for my life. I started to take charge of my life and make choices. Not only that, but I started to direct my life, change directions, and even begin a new career as a Spiritual Life Coach.

The self-confident person you meet today is far from the downcast victim of yesterday. I learned how to turn my whole life around and really live.

I love my life now. I love making choices and exploring my limitless options. It's a wonderful way to be.

You know something... You can do the same thing I did. You can learn to stop seeing everything that happens in your life as a disaster and start learning from your mistakes. You can start finding the blessings in everything that happens in your daily life. You can take charge of your life and become who you were always meant to be.

If you're interested, and you want to follow my story, I journal at: All About Life Coaching. You can begin a journal there too if you like. It's a great first step towards the new you. Our journal community is an honest, caring place where many of us share our darkest fears and ask for advice from others who have been through similar circumstances. And, guess what? It's completely free.

It's a great place to take that first all-important step on the road to becoming who you really are.

See you there!

Last Morning

6am & I'm awake. This is my last morning here. I'm looking forward to being back home. It has been interesting, as always, but I'm done with it. No more cancer, no more operations. Of course, I still have the radiation to get through. Another interesting experience. Once only will do. Roll on morning. I want to get out of here.

Re: Little Luxuries

Can't get the cappuccino but I can say hi and thanks so much for keeping us posted. We're keeping your (virtual) chair warm.
Love,
Maia

On Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 5:30 PM, <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to stand up straight, to have a real shower, to wash my hair, to put real clothes on. I feel so good sitting here all dressed. I feel like I have regained some of my humanity. All I need now is a visitor I can con into going down to get a cappuccino for me...

Little Luxuries

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to stand up straight, to have a real shower, to wash my hair, to put real clothes on. I feel so good sitting here all dressed. I feel like I have regained some of my humanity. All I need now is a visitor I can con into going down to get a cappuccino for me...

Waiting

Most of what I've been doing in hospital has been waiting. Waiting for appointments, for tests, results, doctors, to be fed, for a turn in the bathroom, to go home. Waiting. I'm not sure if I've become more used to waiting around or less tolerant of the whole system. Probably both. We have ten of us all using the one toilet & shower. Says a lot about our hospital system.

Saturday

Long day without visitors. I managed to keep amused & did some nice drawings for the exhibition. Getting the drainage tube pulled out of my leg was... Ick! I can't even describe how it felt. Thanks for the experience, but let's not have a repeat performance. Everyone I know who has gone through it laughed when I told them my tube was coming out today. Yeah. Thanks guys. Real hilarious. Now I'm watching cartoons on tv & chuckling away to myself. The hospital is winding down & slipping into evening mode.

Early Morning

This is a very different hospital experience from my last 2 visits. There's an elderly man & I in a small old room. He has the curtain across most of the time so I don't see him often. He's polite but not talkative. I'm being looked after but left alone most of the time. My leg is sore today. Nothing out of the ordinary, but all the other surgeries left my leg numb. Numb is good. I'm waiting for breakfast. I hope I get some today. The food service has been really slack. Now for my positive thoughts for the day... I love the pretty lights outside. One building has a set of vertical lights that cycle through all the colors of the rainbow. I love watching them. I love watching the sky during the day too. My gratitude list: to be alive & well, my 2 sons & their girlfriends who've been visiting me, for the dvds & tv for my entertainment, for all the good wishes & prayers from everyone. My life is truly blessed.

Friday 13th

Not a good start to the day. I got caught up in my drainage line & almost pulled it out. It's a bit sore now. They forgot my breakfast, but I had some lovely choc cake hidden away & I ate that instead. I manage to keep myself amused watching movies & drawing pictures. If all continues to go well, I will be home on Monday. My wound is a bit sore today, but not bad enough for pain killers. I have an impressive number of stitches. I expect it all to heal very well & quickly.

Night Two

The bed is uncomfortable. What a surprise. I don't have any pain, but moving around is difficult with the leg brace, the canula in the back of my hand & the drainage drip hanging from my thigh. I have tubes everywhere & I'm constantly trying not to tangle or catch on things. The bed is all unmade & askew. This is not a good place if you plan to sleep.

Re: In the Land of the Living

This is so great to know. thank you for letting us know that Heather is still Heather even with scars but alive, emailing and no pain. Fabulous.
Love,
maia

On Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 5:46 PM, <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

My operation went well after a very long day of waiting. I was brought to the ward at about 9pm. I didn't recover as well as last time, but I feel like my old self this morning after breakfast & sponge bath. I have a big U shaped line of stitches on my thigh. It looks ok & there's no pain.

Re: In the Land of the Living

Oh, Mate, I'm so glad to hear from you and to hear you are your old self!!!!   You have been in my heart all day. --- On Wed, 8/11/10, glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote: From: glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> Subject: In the Land of the Living To: "Adrienne Johnson" <lifecoachaj@gmail.com>, "Crystal Church" <crystalchurch1@gmail.com>, "Maia Berens" <maiaberens@gmail.com>, "Savina Cavallo" <savinacavallo@yahoo.com>, "Facebook" <brief158naples@m.facebook.com>, "Maia Berens" <maiaberens@gmail.com>, "Mobile Blogger Author's Mind" <brittanykingston.tiger@blogger.com>, "My Coaching Blog" <light2lifecoach.spiritual@blogger.com> Date: Wednesday, August 11, 2010, 8:46 PM My operation went well after a very long day of waiting. I was brought to the ward at about 9pm. I didn't recover as well as last time, but I feel like my old self this morning after breakfast & sponge bath. I have a big U shaped line of stitches on my thigh. It looks ok & there's no pain.

In the Land of the Living

My operation went well after a very long day of waiting. I was brought to the ward at about 9pm. I didn't recover as well as last time, but I feel like my old self this morning after breakfast & sponge bath. I have a big U shaped line of stitches on my thigh. It looks ok & there's no pain.

Re: Arrival

I feel close to you Heather.  I so much appreciate you sending us this message.  God is with you and our love too!! --- On Tue, 8/10/10, glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote: From: glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> Subject: Arrival To: "Adrienne Johnson" <lifecoachaj@gmail.com>, "Crystal Church" <crystalchurch1@gmail.com>, "Maia Berens" <maiaberens@gmail.com>, "Savina Cavallo" <savinacavallo@yahoo.com>, "Facebook" <brief158naples@m.facebook.com>, "My Blog" <brittanykingston.tiger@blogger.com>, "My Coaching Blog" <light2lifecoach.spiritual@blogger.com> Date: Tuesday, August 10, 2010, 10:15 PM I'm at the Alfred Centre. Going up to the 2nd floor where I will be tagged and admitted. Then the waiting begins.

Arrival

I'm at the Alfred Centre. Going up to the 2nd floor where I will be tagged and admitted. Then the waiting begins.

Back Again

Two months after my operation I can at last walk up & down steps. Unfortunately my skin graft died & I now have to go back for another operation. What a bummer.

Forgiveness

I’m still working my way through YOU University and I’m up to Building 7 now, which is all about cleaning up your past, forgiving those who’ve hurt you in the past, and moving on. I’ve been working through this and noticing some pretty powerful stuff.

Then I was totally blindsided by the most profound thing that’s happened in my healing journey so far.

How come such a moment of profundity can occur without my notice?

For those of you who have been following my story, you’d remember I’ve spoken about my adopted mother many times. She is a Sadistic Narcissistic Psychopath – in the true clinical sense. A very damaged personality.

I came to an understanding about my adopted mother. I “unbound” her negative influence over me and removed her ability to cause me any more harm or upset me in any way. It worked. I literally feel nothing for her now. She cannot hurt me any more.

Using the Love Letter tool, I came to a deeper understanding of her and our relationship, and learned of the wonderful gifts that I received from such a damaging childhood. I’m strong, resilient, loving, etc., everything she is not. But at the end of the Love Letter, I realized that I could not forgive or love her. That was okay. I gave it to God. He is strong and all-seeing. He knows her path and is able to forgive the unforgivable things she’d done and said to me over the years. He also could forgive me for not being strong enough or big enough as an ordinary human being to be able to forgive those things. I was at peace with this.

I went on with my lessons, enjoying my new-found freedom.

Within the lessons I was called to look deeper into past relationships, and, of course, that particular relationship was the most profound one of my life – the most damaging. So I looked at it again from a different perspective.

I took the spiritual road. I looked at what it would be like for my mother to have to be such a damaged soul in this lifetime. She is not an old soul. She is relatively inexperienced when it comes to past lives and life experience. This is a tough journey for her. To play this role of psychopath, to tread the path of one who is consumed by hate and bitterness, is not easy. It means you are alone. You have no friends or family as everyone will abandon you. Your only joy in life is to hurt and destroy other people. Eventually, you run out of people. They all stay away. It must be lonely to be trapped inside such a mind. It must be empty to never be able to experience the feelings of love and joy.

Sadness overcomes me when I think of a soul on such a path. I’ve been this person. Actually, I was much worse. I was a man in that particular life and I tortured and killed many people. And, I loved my “work”. I can understand the pain that drives a person to become evil. I can understand the rage that cannot be sated, the hatred that consumes all, the need to make others suffer as you are suffering. It’s sick. It’s twisted. It scars your soul.

My compassion in this life stems from understanding things that some of you are not yet up to understanding. We’re all on our own pathways to enlightenment, and we’re all at different stages.

My soul is ancient, experienced, but I still felt I could not forgive.

Then I realized, as I worked my way through Building 7 of YOU University, that I HAD FORGIVEN her.

When did this happen?

Why had I not noticed?

Had it not been for the powerful tools in YOU University and for my couch, Maia, I would have never learned of this profound happening in my life. I would not have had the tools or knowledge to bring me to this point.

I forgave her. I now feel great compassion for such a damaged soul. I can feel her pain. I’m crying tears for her that she’ll never be able to cry for herself in this life. I feel love and understanding growing where there was no hope.

This is profound on a whole new level. I really can’t describe how I feel at this moment. Enlightened. Sad. Compassionate. Sorry that I can’t heal her soul. Sorry that she and I will not come to know each other as we truly are – not in this lifetime. Grateful that I came to this understanding. Truly grateful and humble to have the true spirit of forgiveness enter my heart.

Forgiveness makes my journey more complete. It makes me as a person more complete. I am so much more than I thought I could be. I am so grateful for this.

My soul sings a new song now. I’ve turned a new corner on my pathway.

Thank you, God. Thank you, Maia. Thank you. Soul Sisters. Thank you, YOU University.

The Ritual Burning

The Ritual Burning

I took my many little pieces of paper on which I'd written fear and then ripped them to shreds. I put those pieces in the fire and let those fears all go up in smoke. They're gone. Unbound.

Like smoke on the wind - transparent and ethereal, insubstantial, inconsequential. I banish fear and negativity. I have no need of them any more.

If I feel a fear prickling at my mind, I take a deep breath and blow it away.

Now I am free. Free from the restraints of fear. Free from the fear of fear. Free from negative thoughts where fear might take root and sprout.

I like this feeling of wholeness, wellness, of confidence. I want to dwell here in this land where all things are possible - where thoughts and ideas manifest and are spun into reality.

Here, I have wings. Here, my plans come to fruition. Here, I can enjoy success. I can prosper. I can grow.

Here, in this land of sunshine and positivity, there are no corners where fear might hide. Fear might knock on the door, or scratch at the window, but it can't enter. Like an uninvited vampire, it cannot go where it is not first invited. Fear will find no invitation at my door this day. Nor any other day.

Up in smoke.

Gone.

Unbound.

I took my many little pieces of paper on which I'd written fear and then ripped them to shreds. I put those pieces in the fire and let those fears all go up in smoke. They're gone. Unbound. Like smoke on the wind - transparent and ethereal, insubstantial, inconsequential. I banish fear and negativity. I have no need of them any more.If I feel a fear prickling at my mind, I take a deep breath and blow it away. Now I am free. Free from the restraints of fear. Free from the fear of fear. Free from negative thoughts where fear might take root and sprout.I like this feeling of wholeness, wellness, of confidence. I want to dwell here in this land where all things are possible - where thoughts and ideas manifest and are spun into reality.Here, I have wings. Here, my plans come to fruition. Here, I can enjoy success. I can prosper. I can grow.Here, in this land of sunshine and positivity, there are no corners where fear might hide. Fear might knock on the door, or scratch at the window, but it can't enter. Like an uninvited vampire, it cannot go where it is not first invited. Fear will find no invitation at my door this day. Nor any other day.Up in smoke.Gone.Unbound.">

Friends with Benefits; Best Way to Create a Lifelong Relationship?

Friends with &#8220;Benefits&#8221; &#8211; Best Way to Create a Lifelong Relationship?

A Solid Decision**

A Solid Decision**

Gifts From God

I know some of the reasons why I go to church. I go for spiritual support. I go to make amends with God through taking the Sacrament. I go to feel connected with Christ. I go to feel connected with people of my faith. I go to teach my children the principles of faith and love. I go to serve others. I go to show my children how to serve others. I go to strengthen our family.

The people in my faith have similar habits. We have our own lingo and we have our clicks. This can be good in supporting each other but it can also create our own little personal bubble. A comfort zone that is impenetrable by the outside world. I remember how weird this new world was when I was first baptized at 22. It seemed like I was an outsider looking in. So many things to learn, so many people to meet. I have to say the transition was easier because I was welcomed with loving arms.

I am blessed to be baptized into this religion later on in life where I can see what new converts are going through. I can sympathize with how "alien" this new world can feel. I can relate to those that have not found Christ and those that have. I can remember what it was like for me before I found my true spiritual side.

What I find truly interesting with all of this is how my life coaching as a career fits into all of this. The group of coaches that I am in a group with are all different religions and in different places spiritually. Yet, I find myself growing in my own faith by associating with them and by learning this skill of life coaching. I really feel that this is such an incredible blessing. I know that I am in the right place and doing the right thing when at the end of the day I feel closer to God and to my true self. Meeting these women, finding my calling, and being able to grow is truly a gift from my Heavenly Father.
I know that being a life coach is my calling in life. I know that I have a special kinship and sensitivity with people from all walks of life. I know that if life and Jesus have taught me anything it is to love all, forgive all and serve all.

Lightworker

Lightworker

I think you've heard me refer to myself, or to someone else as being a "lightworker".

What is a lightworker? Hard to explain.

Lightworkers are angels without wings and halos. We use the energy of the universe to heal the living world and all who dwell upon her. We bring love and light to the darkness of the human soul. We walk where others fear to go. We channel both negative and positive forces through our bodies in order to heal others and to heal the land.

We are the practical, down to earth, hands of the deities.

The Gods send us into darkness - into terrible lives of oppression and pain - so that we can shine our lights for others to see the way forward. We stand at the end of the tunnel and beckon to weary and lost travelers through life. We guard. We guide. We grieve for the losses of the universe and humanity. We cry the tears of the Gods.

We have no wings. We have no halos. We have no special powers. We have only our own inner lights and energies, and love. With those alone, we step into reality and work our tiny little miracles, one day at a time, for one person at a time.

The ant we rescue from the river today is the lion who will save many tomorrow.

I think you've heard me refer to myself as a "lightworker". What is a lightworker? Hard to explain.Lightworkers are angels without wings and halos. We use the energy of the universe to heal the living world and all who dwell upon her. We bring love and light to the darkness of the human soul. We walk where others fear to go. We channel both negative and positive forces through our bodies in order to heal others and to heal the land.

We are the practical, down to earth, hands of the deities.

The Gods send us into darkness - into terrible lives of oppression and pain - so that we can shine our lights for others to see the way forward. We stand at the end of the tunnel and beckon to weary and lost travelers through life. We guard. We guide. We grieve for the losses of the universe and humanity. We cry the tears of the Gods.

We have no wings. We have no halos. We have no special powers. We have only our own inner lights and energies, and love. With those alone, we step into reality and work our tiny little miracles, one day at a time, for one person at a time.

The ant we rescue from the river today is the lion who will save many tomorrow."

Winter Has Arrived

    Well, there's no denying that winter has finally arrived and the temperatures have dropped dramatically.

    No more t-shirts and tank tops. Now, it's jumpers and long sleeved shirts, coats, gloves...

    One thing I do love about winter, though, is its energy.

    Winter energy is crisp and sharp. It has a vibrancy about it. Auras of trees and earthy entities are strong and clear in the winter air. It is easy for me to see the rivers of energy running through Glenloth when I look out over the stark, white, frosty paddocks.

    There's a shift in color here too. The muted moods of autumn have given way to bright contrasts. The sun is brighter, the shadows deeper. Bejewelled spider webs adorn rusty barbed wire fences and bare tree branches. Life force, seeming to slow and mellow in autumn, far from sleeps in winter. It flashes its brilliance wherever you look. A bright bird here or there, sparks of light over the water, rainbows within dew drops and icicles, pretty, sparkling frost. It all seems so alive.

    I can't help but be caught up in the wonder of it all.

Tears of the Healer

Sadness has descended upon me today. And yet, I feel that I have no real reason for sorrow. So where is it coming from? Who, within me, weeps?

I search the darkness within to find the source of the tears.

The child weeps within. The teenager weeps within.

Why?

The child feels that she is alone in her sorrow. She is sad and feels that everyone is telling her that she has no reason to be sad. Her tears fall, but she makes no sound.

The teenager cries in silence. She is alone in her sorrow. No-one will listen. No-one will understand. No-one cares. As usual, it is up to her to cry for herself, because no-one else will.

The adult cries for the child and the teenager. She feels their pain and the depth of their sorrow. She asks, “Why do you make me sad today?”

The child says, “I have no friends to play with. The people I care about – the ones who care about me, have all gone away. Those who are still here, think I should be happy all the time. They are afraid of to see my tears. I want to laugh and play like a child. But nobody will come to play here because I am broken.”

The teenager says, “I have no friends to laugh with. I need to do normal teenage things. I have never been able to do normal teenage things. I’ve never been to a sleep over. Nobody has ever been here for a sleep over. I’ve never been to camps. I’ve never just been allowed to be me. Now we’ve all grown up, I feel left behind. I’m still here, but everyone else has grown up and doesn’t want to play and laugh and sing any more. I am broken and they have all left me behind.”

The two blend into one.

“We’re broken. It wasn’t our fault. We broke. Now we’re not the same. Our bodies don’t work the way they should. We’ve been blamed for breaking ourselves. We’ve been told to fix ourselves, and we’ve been left alone until the job is done. We don’t know how to fix us. Now, everybody has turned their back and walked away. They don’t want to help. They don’t want to see what happens. They only want to come back if we are whole again.”

I weep for the child, the teenager and the adult who is broken.

So, healer. Heal thyself.

But the healer inside is weary. I heal, I heal, I heal. Every day I find something within me that needs healing. Every day I heal it. Every day there is more to be healed. Every day there are more friends who come to me for healing. They all want. They all take. Nobody gives. I try to give to me, but I’m told I spend too much time healing myself and not enough time doing everything else that needs to be done in the practical, physical world.

So, I stop healing me and do all the boring, physical things that will please others. But they are never pleased. They are never satisfied. There is always something I have not done. Now they say, “Your body isn’t working. Go away and fix it.”

I don’t want to go away. I don’t want to do this alone. I want this fixed. I did not ask for this. I merely, patiently, calmly, with dignity, endure this. I know in my heart and soul that I will be healed. But healing is hard. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes more than just me alone to heal my body.

And yet, you metaphysically turn away and say, “Fix it, and when you are back to being the same again, I will turn my face to you.”

But I will not be the same when I am healed. I will have traveled a long, hard journey. I will have been through the fire. I will carry the scars. The scars will be my lessons, my knowledge, my strength. I will not be the same when I am healed. I will have grown more powerful, more knowledgeable; my light will shine brighter in the world.

Sometimes I think you think it would be easier for you if I died.

You don’t want to see me suffer so you turn away. You want to close your eyes and not see this. If you can’t see it, it won’t be so.

But it is so. It will be so. I chose this road a long time ago. I knew what I would face. I agreed to face it. By my will, I shall endure. I will not die here and now. It is not my time.

I will be healed. I will be joyous. But I will not be the same when I am healed.

You will be the same when I am healed. You will think you have helped me. I will think I have healed alone. Somewhere between is the truth.

You will be the same when I am healed.

I will not be the same when I am healed.

That is the source of my sorrow.

I have chosen to walk this path with you. To be your teacher. To change your soul. To heal your ancient soul.

You have learned a lot, but you don’t know that yet. You will not know that until I am gone.

That is my path. That is my sorrow. For you to learn all that you must learn, I must die.

Watching my journey through the darkness and into the light will not change you. It will change me.

For that, I cry. I cry for me because the road is hard and lonely. No-one can travel with me. I must do this alone. I must leave those who love me at the doorway and carry their love with me knowing that they will be there at the other end waiting for me to emerge into the light.

Will you be there?

I am broken, and I will be healed, but I will never be the same again.

Enlightened Chaos

I have been studying under Maia Berens in her program You University. It is an intense emotional program that leaves me drained and rejuvenated. I felt this the most last week as I was working on things in my distant past.

I was writing love letters daily and it seemed that chaos was just bubbling out of every pore of my body. So much that I was attracting it into my life. The chaos taught me some valuable lessons.
- I must not devalue any of my life. Every aspect of my path has something to teach me and I must go through the proper steps to resolve my emotions.

- I must take my time. Whether it is something to celebrate of mourn, I need to live in the now and not rush it.

I love Maia's favorite motto,"Life is a school". To learn from the events in my life, I must be open to receive the knowledge of what they have to offer. This might mean that I have to turn my speed down and savor the time of now.

Love Letters

As part of my YOU University course, I am healing my past by using Love Letters. These Love Letters are powerful tools for getting to the heart of a problem and getting all those hidden feelings out.

Dear Mum

I am angry that you were allowed to adopt an innocent child. How could the authorities not see beyond that weak facade of social compliance you wear?

I am angry that you used and abused me for years in secret and got away with it.

I am angry that you used me as bait to bring other victims to you.

I am angry that you never really wanted to get to know me.

I am even angrier that you prevented other people from getting to know me. You disconnected me with the rest of the world so there would be no opposition to you.

I am hurt that you always squashed anything good and pure within me. That you extinguished every ray of hope for a bright future for me. Anything I loved to do, like music or singing, you made sure I knew without doubt that I was so terrible at it that I should never do such things in public.

I was devastated when I developed nodes on my vocal chords and you decided that it wasn’t important enough to have them fixed. You knew I had a good strong voice, and you made sure I would never sing again. You told everyone that I wasn’t interested in music and singing any more.

I am hurt and angry that they believed you.

I am hurt that you turned every friend I ever had against me so that they believed your lies.

I am hurt that you didn’t love me – that you hated and despised me. You made a laughing-stock out of me with my friends, at school, everywhere we went.

I hurt that you never called me by name. You called me “it”, “that thing”, at the very best “she”, or to my face “you”. You would talk about me while I was in the room and think that I wouldn’t understand a single word you said because you spoke of me as “it”.

How could you possibly think that I didn’t know?

I am so sad that I was never a real person to you.

I am sad that you will die never having known me. I know that you don’t want to know me. I am still not a person to you – just a thing to be used.

I am sad that you will never change.

I am sad that, even now, other people think so highly of you and so lowly of me through all the lies you’ve told them over the years. People say terrible things to me because I don’t go around to your house and help you. I am sad that I can’t even begin to tell them why. I have to walk away knowing they despise me because of you and I can never change their minds.

I am afraid that nobody related to you, and nobody from my past, will ever know me because of you.

You destroyed all hope of me being accepted by your family. I was never allowed by you to think I even belonged in your family.

I am afraid that my two sons have no idea of what a grandmother should really be like because of you. I did not poison their minds against you. I had hopes that you would treat them differently than you treated me, but you didn’t. You tried to use them against me and my husband.

I am afraid that your only two grandsons despise you. They see you as you truly are and choose not to have anything to do with you. I’m sad that you don’t even recognise that they don’t have any contact with you. They are not people to you either.

I am sorry that you chose to use me against Dad. I’m sorry you bullied him into being your enabler. I think, at one time, he was a decent person. His biggest mistake was loving you.

I’m sorry that he chose to stay with you. I’m sorry he gave you everything, because you greedily took it all and pushed him out.

I’m sorry that I didn’t run away. Your influence over me was so great that I believed I had to stay in your house until I was 21. And I did stay until I was 21.

I’m sorry I believed every lie you told me.

I’m sorry I stayed so long with you.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse and cruelty you subjected me to.

I want you to know that I do not love you. I do not like you. I don’t want anything to do with you.

I want you to know that I have seen the hate in you and recognised it for what it is.

I have seen your true face.

I appreciate that you looked after me physically. I was always well fed, clean, and well dressed. I also understand that appearance was important to you and you dressed me up so others would not suspect what went on behind closed doors.

You don’t realise it, but when I was younger I loved you. You were my mother. Mum.

You were the one I ran to for love, for help, for protection. I ran to you time and time again only to be cruelly laughed at and locked up for daring to cry or need something from you.

And still, through all the years of my childhood, I kept looking to you for love with a child’s innocence.

I know that you never loved anyone or anything.

I understand that you have a personality disorder and that you are not aware that you are a sadistic, narcissistic psychopath [clinical term].

I understand that you never have been, nor will you ever be, “normal”.

I understand now how your nasty, damaged, mind works. Your only enjoyment comes from hurting others. I’ve seen how happy you are when people die. It is a sickness in your soul. I’ve heard the things you say to people when their husbands, wives, or children die. I’ve seen the horror on their faces as you openly laugh at their grief and tell them they deserved it.

I forgive myself for not loving you. You do not deserve love.

I forgive myself for believing your lies all those years. I was isolated by you and had nothing to compare my life with. I had no idea of the depth of your depravity until I began to learn that other people did not live that way.

I forgive myself for allowing you to use me and abuse me for so many years. I knew no different. I thought all people were treated by their parents the way you treated me. I forgive myself for not knowing.

I forgive myself for not loving you.

I release my guilt for not loving you.

I have spoken many times about this with God, my Father, and Jesus, my Brother, and with Raguel, my special angel. They have brought me truth, comfort, and love. They have granted great understanding to me.

I give the task of forgiveness to them. It is to them that you will answer, not to me.

You are finished with me.

I am finished with you.

I have no feeling at all for you.

You cannot hurt me any more. Even though you still try, your nasty words are taken by the universe and do not harm me.

There are things I have to thank you for, though. I thank you for my inner strength. I thank you for my vast and wild imagination, my creativity, my spirituality. I would not have the depth of all of those things had I not had to learn how to survive life with you.

My instincts are deathly sharp. My connection with the spirit world is strong. My inner radar for truth and lies is accurate. All these gifts, and many more that I can’t think of for the moment, were all born out of the darkness, terror, pain, hopelessness that you created around me.

I am strong because of you. And, although I lost myself for many years, when I finally reconnected with my true self and my inner wisdom, I discovered my incredible place in this wondrous universe of energy and light.

For all that, I thank you.

By trying to destroy me, you have made me what I am today.

Thank you, Mum.