Tools of the Trade

Tools of the Trade

During a one-on-one call, Savina asked me what tools I used to help myself out of my darkest days.

Now that really got me thinking. In those days, I didn’t have “tools”. I had no knowledge of what I was going through, and no idea of how to get myself out of where I was. I had only my faith and my instincts to guide me. To explain how I did this, I’m going to have to revisit my darkest moment. It’s a long story, so bear with me.

Let me take you back to the day of my “enlightenment”...

I was 14 years old. My face was covered in cystic acne. It was swollen and covered in large, purple welts. I had a couple of friends at school, but once that bell rang, I was all alone.

I was in so much emotional and spiritual pain that I put my hands up to my cheeks, ready to claw the skin from my face. I wanted to hurt that ugly mask. I wanted to tear it off. I wanted to feel physical pain that matched my emotional agony.

At home, the psychopath had her vicious way with me and I had no way of escaping. She was so cunning in her torture of me that nobody even suspected that my home life was anything less than ideal. I was an only child. What could possibly be better than that? Oh, how I hated that lie! At school, students and teachers alike tormented me. I saw the expressions on their faces whenever I passed by. I heard their remarks. I was laughed at, pushed, jeered at, and spat on. I suffered in silence, slowly dying inside. I had no safe place to hide. Nobody was going to save me. Nobody even knew who I was.

I went into the bathroom and looked at my ragged reflection in the mirror and wondered why. Why was my life like this? Why did I have to suffer? I tried to look to my future, but all I could see was the same, black, pain-filled days stretching on and on into eternity. Hope? There was no hope.

Die, you stupid, ugly, creature! Nobody wants you. I don’t want you. I don’t want to be you anymore. I hate you. Die!

I dug my fingernails into my face, but the pain wasn’t enough. I grabbed an old razor blade and held it against my wrist. Could I kill me? I looked into my eyes. Yes, I could do it. Do it! I lowered the blade and felt the cold metal against my skin. Nobody was home. They wouldn’t be home for hours. They were at a football match, and for once, had allowed me to stay home alone. There would be enough time.

A curious sense of peace descended over me. I was not afraid of death. Death was like an old friend. I’d visited death many times. I would be cleansed of this life so I could begin another. Whatever I was put here for, I had failed. It was over.

Again, I glanced up... and there, behind me, reflected in the mirror, was Jesus. My brother, my Lord, my one true love. I held my breath and looked into his eyes. His expression was sad. His eyes, so sad. He shook his head. I blinked. He was gone. I turned around. There was nobody there. I was alone.

But I could not shake that feeling. He was sad. He didn’t want me to die. Why didn’t he want me to die? What earthly good was I to Him?

Devastated, I put the razor away and went outside. If Jesus wanted me to live, then I would find a way to live, even if I didn’t want to. I would find a way. I had to. God was my true Father and Jesus was my true brother. Growing up without anyone, I always turned to them. I talked to them every night. I cried to them. I asked them questions and, in the silence of my heart, they answered. They never abandoned me. If they wanted me to live, then they must have a reason. I had no choice but to trust that they knew more than I.

I sat on the hard, concrete path, like I so often did, and looked out over the immaculately manicured lawn and garden. The early morning sky was crystal-blue and there was dew still on the grass.

I stared at a single dewdrop and watched the swirl of colors within its tiny, fragile frame.

My colors.

I didn’t realize it then, but I already knew the colors of my aura. I hadn’t seen it, but I recognized it within the dew drop.

And it was beautiful. So beautiful it brought tears to my eyes.

I placed my hands flat on the grass and felt the energy of the earth pulsing and flowing around me.

I “felt” the energy.

I sat up.

I “felt” the energy. I looked around and saw shimmering colors, rivers of energy flowing past me. I could “see” it. I could “feel” it. I could touch it!

I looked at another dewdrop and I could almost hear the music of life within it.

Jesus had given me a gift. He had opened my eyes to something I’d only been dimly aware of until that moment. He’d brightened my senses; brought to my attention the gift I’d been born with.

Tears flowed silently down my face and stung the acne. What a gift! What a curse! To be one of God’s ugliest creatures, to be able to see such beauty all around me and within me, but to never be a part of it. Such cruelty.

Surely this was not what He intended. Surely He didn’t bring my gift to my attention just to add to my torment?

I closed my eyes and let the earth’s energy sooth my pain. No. It was the beauty He wanted me to see – the beauty in everything, in everyone, even in me.

It didn’t matter if no-one else could see it. I would see it. I would live for it. If for nothing else, I would live for this – the beauty. I would be what He wanted me to be... someday. I would live for that. I would survive and learn to become the me He wanted me to be.

The energy, the shimmering colors – they would be my pathway back to me, to life.

My pathway got even harder after that. I’m not sure how I learned to put one foot in front of the other and keep going, but I did. I had to. I taught myself how to understand the colors and the shimmering rivers I saw all around me. Eventually, I learned how to understand me and the strengths within. Writing this paragraph makes it sound like I did all that in a couple of years, but it took many years. I’m 50 now, and I’ve only just scratched the surface.

Getting back to the “tools” I used: When I was 14, I had nothing to go by. I had no understanding. There was no “friend in need”, no mentor. Jesus and God were my constant companions – my only ones. I leaned on them. I leaned on my faith. I used my inner strength. I trusted my instincts. I drew energy from the earth itself. That was all I had. Faith, Inner Strength, Instinct, an ability to connect with the earth and the universe.

I guess I learned my lessons well, because I’m still here. I see and understand the colors of the earth and the universe, and I love all the colors of me. I can stand within the energy of the earth and love all that there is.

I used to say that this ugly duckling would only ever grow up to be an ugly duck.

But you should see the colors of my heart and soul. They’re so wonderful, so beautiful... the light of love that shines from within me is pure bright.

When I look around at people in the streets – just ordinary people – I see the colors of their souls. I wish you all could see yourselves as I do. The vibrant colors, the wonder of the beauty of the soul... My gift is truly a blessing.

My road wasn’t the easiest, but each day that goes by, I find something within it that I’m truly thankful for.

Love and Light

Heather

Starting Small

I have been struggling with myself as of late. I feel as though I am absorbing, taking and not really giving. This is a time in my life where I really need to be focused on my growth and change but I want to share that with others in hopes that they can be inspired too.

I was sent a note today on equality. It is awesome. I had to share it with you. At the end it suggests small things we can do to make big changes. I feel that is exactly the message I needed to hear today. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Equality

When you are done I hope you are also inspired to hear the "I have a dream" speech done by Martin Luther King Jr. It has a resilience to it that cannot be expired by time.

Stop And Smell The Roses

Every once in awhile I realize that my life is passing me by. The days on the calendar click by as I do my daily routine. Days turn into months and months are slowly turning into years. The daily tasks are checked off on my list only to wake up to a new list the next morning. I do enjoy checking those little boxes off my to-dos but is that what I want? Do I just want to be a box checker, going from one errand to another?

Slowly these thoughts have been winding their way into my spirit. Breaking up the hum drum of ritual thinking so that I see the cracks of light breakthrough. This light is what I want to focus in on. It is the light of now. The sparkle of the moment. The shine of the here and now.

I have been introduced to wonderful people whose wisdom has taken a piece of my soul and thrown it into the stars. The only word I can think of is enlightened. I now see how much better my world can be.

Now, when my life is passing me by I take some time to stop and walk through the grass. I hold my youngest and dance in the kitchen. I play in the sandbox with my oldest. I focus on the love of my husband. The earth grounds me, my children help me stay light, and my husband helps me soar.

I am still on my path. The to-dos are still there but now I have the want to be better, the tools to do it, and the support to keep me going. So I ask you to appreciate this moment right now.

Finding The True Cause

The other day I was angry. There was no reason for it. I was annoyed at everyone and everything. Everything seemed to get on my nerves and make me short-tempered. That is not like me. I'm usually very easy-going.

I had to get to the bottom of it. There had to be a reason.

After a few days, I finally tracked down the reason, and it wasn't anything I would have guessed.

A friend told me of an incident with her 15 year old daughter who was doing some part-time after-school work with a local bakery. The boss's wife set her up so she could take the blame for something she didn't do and therefore could be asked to leave.

I remembered back to my own early working days as a teenager and young school-leaver looking for work. There were some things that happened to me during my job searching that I never told anyone about. My residual anger stemmed from this. Injustice eats me away. Injustice and sorrow.

From the time I was 10 years old until in my 30s, I had severe cystic acne. I had multiple treatments over the years and, until I was in my mid 30s, there was no cure.

At the very time I should have been enjoying life, I was virtually crippled by this devastating disease. Because my skin was so fair, the acne showed up as dark purple welts and bumps all over my face. The only clear spaces on my face were my eyelids. There were times when I wished I'd been severely burned. At least people would accept a burn scar. Nobody accepted acne. They all looked down on me and considered me to be dirty.

Of course, I was the opposite. But the more I tried to scrub my face clean - the worse I made the condition.

When it came time for me to look for work. This problem made it even harder for me. I'd apply for jobs and get interviews, but then would be told - right to my face - I'm sorry, but we can't hire someone who looks like you.

I would thank them for their time and walk out with a smile on my face. When my mother or friends asked how the interview went, I would always say, "really well." I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. Inside, I would be devastated, and I would hide it with a bright smile, as always.

During the holidays, when I was about 17, I helped friends out in a shop for a while, just serving at the counter, etc. One day the Health Inspector came in. He pointed to me and said very loudly so everyone in the shop could hear, "That's a health risk. You can't have someone like that handling food. She has to leave immediately." I froze. Everyone in the shop stared at me. I wished I could have sunk through the floor and disappeared. I was in shock, I think. When I got home, I had to make up a plausible reason why I was no longer wanted in the shop. I told everyone that there was no longer enough work so I my help was no longer needed for the moment.

My real job search began. Countless times I was interviewed. Countless times, the boss would look at me and explain, often with compassion, sometimes not, that they couldn't take a risk on having me serve customers.

In other words - I would scare the customers away!

You can imagine what that did to my self esteem. Zero!

I have carried the hurt of that around all these years. Silent. An inner knowing that people don't look beyond what they see on the surface. I saw it and experienced it so many times over the years. I wished so hard that people could see ME and not just my terrible skin. I felt like I was being held prisoner behind a mask of ugliness that I would never break free from.

In my mid 30s, a cure was finally found. It was rather radical, but it worked. Roacutane, a drug that burns you from the inside out. I took it for just over a year and endured the side effects - which I thought were minor compared to a life time of terrible, painful cystic acne. The cure was miraculous. I have real skin now. Even most of the scars have faded. I still have the deepest scars, if you look hard. They just look like lines on my face now. Hahaha! I don't mind lines. It was wonderful discovering how lovely my skin really was when it emerged. The ugly mask dropped away. It changed my whole life!

I'm not angry at all those employers who looked me in the eye and said what they had to say. I realize it must have been very hard for some of them to say it. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to tell someone that they were too ugly to serve customers. I don't think I could do such a thing. But that was back in the 1970s, and things were very different back then.

I am angry at those, like the Health Inspector, who could have quietly taken me aside and softened the blow a little. I'm angry at how he publicly ridiculed me. That was so unnecessary. I'm also angry that not one person in the whole shop said anything to him about the way he spoke to me. I'm angry that they all looked at me with such hatred. It was as though they blamed me for being a threat to whatever they were buying.

I'm also angry that I wasn't even allowed to cry for all that hurt.

I had to endure a long 25 years of such treatment and attitudes.

I can feel my anger giving way to sorrow here. The injustice of it all is very sad and I acknowledge that sorrow as a very big lesson for me.

The blessings I have carried with me from that experience are deeply ingrained. I know, from the other side, what it is like to be ridiculed, made fun of, put down, discarded, thrown aside, excluded, prejudiced against, judged, publically humiliated... the list goes on.

I know a true heart when I find one. I know a deeply hurt soul when I find one.

Only those who have been through what I've experienced, know what it feels like. For this expertise, I am truly grateful.

My experiences, as bad as they've been, have fueled my compassion and understanding to levels - or depths - that can only be reached by suffering the same or similar fates.

My gratitude to the universe for my diverse life-lessons is all-consuming.

My life is truly blessed.

Autumn & Winter

I'm in need of a change of MINDSET.

For most of my life, I've seen Autumn and Winter as being disastrous. I love Spring and especially love Summer. I see myself as being only truly alive during Summer.

I live in a very pretty place and I can feel the energy of the seasons changing around me. I want to heal my negative association with Autumn and Winter so I can enjoy the changing of all the seasons, not just a couple of them.

Because my negative mindset is, to a large extent, a product of my childhood and teenage years, I've decided to use one of my mentor's wonderful tools to help me get to the core of my feelings on this issue, and to turn those feelings around.

The Love Letter, as designed by Maia Berens, is a very powerful tool in healing the past. When I used it in this instance, I could feel an instant change of mindset.

Love Letter to Me

Autumn & Winter

Dear Inner Self,

I know you and I love you for who you are. You have a wonderful connection to this land you live on, to Animal Spirits, to Earth, to Universe, to Higher Realms, to Angels, to the great and wonderful All There Is. Your ability to tap into the energy and guide others through reconnection with such love and understanding is amazing.

This is why I hate it that you allow events from the past to taint your connection with the Earth and the Universe when it comes to the wonderful seasons of Autumn and Winter.

Ihate it that when you were a child, you were locked away in a small room and only allowed out when "the psychopath" wanted to torture you emotionally or physically.

I hate it that you had to live in darkness and terror, waiting endlessly for those footsteps to approach your door. Holding your breath when you heard the footsteps stop outside, knowing that she had her ear to that thin barrier of wood listening to catch you unaware, cringing in fear with your face against the cold linoleum when she burst through the door and descended upon you like a giant demon, her face contorted inhate, her being radiating dangerous intentions.

I hate it that this torture and treatment went on for so many years, and that in your teens, when you should have been growing, learning, becoming all that you could be, you dreaded the coming of Winter because you knew you would be once again locked in your room, locked within the house, an easy target for that psychopathic mind.

I am so sad that there never was any release for you. No savior came. Nobody saw. Nobody knew. Nobody cared.

It makes me cry to think of all the times you looked into the eyes of all the adults who visited your parents and silently implored them to see what was going on. But they didn't see. They didn't understand. They were blinded by how nice your parents were.

I'm so sad that you were forced to live a lie all your teenage years. You put your happy face on and went out into the world like a warrior for peace and love. You made your friends laugh, comforted them, listened to them, understood them. All the while, you died inside from the horror that was your life. You dreaded returning home each day to that house. And yet, you did return. I'm sorry that you thought it wasn't courage that made you return, but fear.

I'm sad that so many of your little animal friends left the life they shared with you during the Autumn and Winter. This only reinforced the isolation you felt, the loneliness. Your one true love, your only true friend - your animal friend - was suddenly gone. Your grief was all-encompassing. So alone.

I'm so sad that you were never allowed to openly express your grief. From infancy you were beaten and screamed at if you cried; laughed at and made fun of if you laughed.

Although it is sad that you as a child lived in such isolation and ignorance,but it was that very ignorance that saved you. You accepted your fear and terror as a normal part of your life. You learned to grow within it, to hide, to adapt.

To a greater degree, I'm saddened to think of that sensitive, loving, willing teenager who learned to walk the path of the living dead - to live as someone who never laughed, never cried, buried all true emotion deep within for protection. You, unfortunately, began to learn that your life was not like others. You suddenly knew the difference. This knowing almost broke your spirit.

It was within this knowing that the Autumn and Winter association with grief began. I understand its beginnings. Being forced to live the lie crushed you. The dread you felt when the joy of Summer began to fade,was something you held deep inside. You tried to break free from it, but I know these feelings were only reinforced by the horror of being "her" prisoner for the entire season, and the memories of past grief.

I understand only too well, the pain, the isolation, the loneliness.

I want you to know that I was with you then. I know you remember looking in the mirror one day as you held a razor against your wrist, that you saw a vision of me. You recognized me as your older self, and in that moment, you knew you had a future. You knew. You suddenly understood that you had a future.

I understand that you didn't know what that future would hold, but it wasenough for you then to trust the image and to follow it through allthose black years. You trusted the promise that you would one day walkin sunshine.

I love your courage in following your dream to be all that you could be. I love the courage in you that helped you walk in fear back to that house, day after day, year after year, to the derision, humiliation and heartache you had to endure.

Your strength grew in those days. You learned to live each day for life itself. You found yourself in spirit.

I want you to know that I'm so proud of you. I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for your spirit.

I want you to trust me now as I lead you out into that light. I want you to see the joy and wonder that is Autumn and Winter.

I know you can feel the wonder of the energy of this place. I know that,despite your feelings of sadness for the past - and my sadness in thepresent - that we both can feel the energy of the Earth as she turnsaround and changes the seasons.

I forgive your reluctance. Time after time you have endured great sorrow this time of the year. But it is not the season that brings you sadness, it is your memories.

Your grief is like the change of the seasons. It comes slowly, changing color and depth as it builds, it cradles you in softness, and then, when it is time, it slowly lets the warmth and sun creep back into your heart. You have learned through the years to smile through your tears and love through your grief.

I love the way you grieve. I love the way you hold your head high and allow the tears to show. I love the way you allow grief to pass through your heart and have its time with you. I love the way you release it and set it free when the time comes. I love the way you always know when the time is right.

I love the natural way you see life and death. Because of you, I have no fear of life and death. I have a natural love and understanding of both.

Together, we can walk through the seasons, as we were always meant to. Together, we can embrace all those subtle changes that we feel within our hearts that so many other people are unaware of.

Autumn has just begun. The trees are whispering to each other. You can hear it just like I can. You can understand the language of the trees, of the river, of this land.

Take my hand. Walk with me through the wonder that is Autumn. Rejoice with me as Autumn becomes Winter in all her glory.

Feel it. Live it. Become it.

We were always meant to be in total harmony with this universe. Take your shoes off now and walk this land with me and feel the miracle of the change of the season!

Love and Light, Inner Self

Love,

True Self