Autumn & Winter

I'm in need of a change of MINDSET.

For most of my life, I've seen Autumn and Winter as being disastrous. I love Spring and especially love Summer. I see myself as being only truly alive during Summer.

I live in a very pretty place and I can feel the energy of the seasons changing around me. I want to heal my negative association with Autumn and Winter so I can enjoy the changing of all the seasons, not just a couple of them.

Because my negative mindset is, to a large extent, a product of my childhood and teenage years, I've decided to use one of my mentor's wonderful tools to help me get to the core of my feelings on this issue, and to turn those feelings around.

The Love Letter, as designed by Maia Berens, is a very powerful tool in healing the past. When I used it in this instance, I could feel an instant change of mindset.

Love Letter to Me

Autumn & Winter

Dear Inner Self,

I know you and I love you for who you are. You have a wonderful connection to this land you live on, to Animal Spirits, to Earth, to Universe, to Higher Realms, to Angels, to the great and wonderful All There Is. Your ability to tap into the energy and guide others through reconnection with such love and understanding is amazing.

This is why I hate it that you allow events from the past to taint your connection with the Earth and the Universe when it comes to the wonderful seasons of Autumn and Winter.

Ihate it that when you were a child, you were locked away in a small room and only allowed out when "the psychopath" wanted to torture you emotionally or physically.

I hate it that you had to live in darkness and terror, waiting endlessly for those footsteps to approach your door. Holding your breath when you heard the footsteps stop outside, knowing that she had her ear to that thin barrier of wood listening to catch you unaware, cringing in fear with your face against the cold linoleum when she burst through the door and descended upon you like a giant demon, her face contorted inhate, her being radiating dangerous intentions.

I hate it that this torture and treatment went on for so many years, and that in your teens, when you should have been growing, learning, becoming all that you could be, you dreaded the coming of Winter because you knew you would be once again locked in your room, locked within the house, an easy target for that psychopathic mind.

I am so sad that there never was any release for you. No savior came. Nobody saw. Nobody knew. Nobody cared.

It makes me cry to think of all the times you looked into the eyes of all the adults who visited your parents and silently implored them to see what was going on. But they didn't see. They didn't understand. They were blinded by how nice your parents were.

I'm so sad that you were forced to live a lie all your teenage years. You put your happy face on and went out into the world like a warrior for peace and love. You made your friends laugh, comforted them, listened to them, understood them. All the while, you died inside from the horror that was your life. You dreaded returning home each day to that house. And yet, you did return. I'm sorry that you thought it wasn't courage that made you return, but fear.

I'm sad that so many of your little animal friends left the life they shared with you during the Autumn and Winter. This only reinforced the isolation you felt, the loneliness. Your one true love, your only true friend - your animal friend - was suddenly gone. Your grief was all-encompassing. So alone.

I'm so sad that you were never allowed to openly express your grief. From infancy you were beaten and screamed at if you cried; laughed at and made fun of if you laughed.

Although it is sad that you as a child lived in such isolation and ignorance,but it was that very ignorance that saved you. You accepted your fear and terror as a normal part of your life. You learned to grow within it, to hide, to adapt.

To a greater degree, I'm saddened to think of that sensitive, loving, willing teenager who learned to walk the path of the living dead - to live as someone who never laughed, never cried, buried all true emotion deep within for protection. You, unfortunately, began to learn that your life was not like others. You suddenly knew the difference. This knowing almost broke your spirit.

It was within this knowing that the Autumn and Winter association with grief began. I understand its beginnings. Being forced to live the lie crushed you. The dread you felt when the joy of Summer began to fade,was something you held deep inside. You tried to break free from it, but I know these feelings were only reinforced by the horror of being "her" prisoner for the entire season, and the memories of past grief.

I understand only too well, the pain, the isolation, the loneliness.

I want you to know that I was with you then. I know you remember looking in the mirror one day as you held a razor against your wrist, that you saw a vision of me. You recognized me as your older self, and in that moment, you knew you had a future. You knew. You suddenly understood that you had a future.

I understand that you didn't know what that future would hold, but it wasenough for you then to trust the image and to follow it through allthose black years. You trusted the promise that you would one day walkin sunshine.

I love your courage in following your dream to be all that you could be. I love the courage in you that helped you walk in fear back to that house, day after day, year after year, to the derision, humiliation and heartache you had to endure.

Your strength grew in those days. You learned to live each day for life itself. You found yourself in spirit.

I want you to know that I'm so proud of you. I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for your spirit.

I want you to trust me now as I lead you out into that light. I want you to see the joy and wonder that is Autumn and Winter.

I know you can feel the wonder of the energy of this place. I know that,despite your feelings of sadness for the past - and my sadness in thepresent - that we both can feel the energy of the Earth as she turnsaround and changes the seasons.

I forgive your reluctance. Time after time you have endured great sorrow this time of the year. But it is not the season that brings you sadness, it is your memories.

Your grief is like the change of the seasons. It comes slowly, changing color and depth as it builds, it cradles you in softness, and then, when it is time, it slowly lets the warmth and sun creep back into your heart. You have learned through the years to smile through your tears and love through your grief.

I love the way you grieve. I love the way you hold your head high and allow the tears to show. I love the way you allow grief to pass through your heart and have its time with you. I love the way you release it and set it free when the time comes. I love the way you always know when the time is right.

I love the natural way you see life and death. Because of you, I have no fear of life and death. I have a natural love and understanding of both.

Together, we can walk through the seasons, as we were always meant to. Together, we can embrace all those subtle changes that we feel within our hearts that so many other people are unaware of.

Autumn has just begun. The trees are whispering to each other. You can hear it just like I can. You can understand the language of the trees, of the river, of this land.

Take my hand. Walk with me through the wonder that is Autumn. Rejoice with me as Autumn becomes Winter in all her glory.

Feel it. Live it. Become it.

We were always meant to be in total harmony with this universe. Take your shoes off now and walk this land with me and feel the miracle of the change of the season!

Love and Light, Inner Self

Love,

True Self