I have struggled with my own addictions especially before I was married. It seemed easy for me to just turn it on and off depending on my mood. I have been sober for 8 years. Still, I didn't see the destruction that it had on me until just recently. It seems that their is no end to addiction. We are surrounded by it and it warps our everyday living. We seem to get it under control only for it to try to surface in other areas of our lives. It doesn't take long before we adopt a different kind of addiction and all those old emotions begin to surface.So, can we do it by ourselves? Can we kick our bad habits all by our lonesome? I don't think so. When I did I was still the same emotional mess just a sober one. I am sure I made better decisions after I had cleaned up but I still felt empty.
At some point in life you start to realize you are trying to fill a void. You may be clean from your darkest addictions but what other addictions have you picked up to replace it? You might have stopped drinking but are you now overeating. More addictions mean more denial about the truth of how you feel. Yes you are sober but are you happy?
I started realizing that being sober wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted to feel whole. I wanted to be at peace. I wanted a better me for my husband and children.
I knew that I needed support. I needed someone to help me see that I could fill this hole in me. I found that help through many different avenues; Christ, 12 step programs, life coaching, counseling, and sound friends. But I never found the answer through fulfilling my own addictions.
The sorrowful truth is that once you are an addict you are always an addict. That might make you sad and feel victimized but look at the enormous lessons that you can learn from this. I had to stop playing the martyr and look myself in the mirror. I couldn't blame this addiction on my childhood or on my past experiences. I had to look at myself and realize that I chose this. This means that I need help in creating the person that I want to be.
Your openness and honesty is going to reach many people, Adrienne.
ReplyDeleteI feel that your attitude is shifting and you are well on the way to becoming the person you want to be.
Thanks for sharing this difficult journey with us.
Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteThere is so much truth in this post. It takes courage to admit that getting sober without help is a no-win situation. It is what is called being a dry-drunk in AA and I know first hand it is not healthy. I hope you continue to share your journey on this awesome path of sobriety and dealing with it in a circle of friendship and support. I am glad to be a part of your world!
~Crystal